This ones from Mikey -------JESUS IS WATCHING YOU------- A burglar broke into a house one night just before Christmas. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables and presents under the tree. When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you" He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and   froze.  When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more fenceable items. Just as he disconnected the stereo's wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.   "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn   you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?" "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?" The bird promptly answered: "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus." ....................................................................................................................................                         This ones from Hans Mr.Johnson was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.  "Mr.  Johnson , you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently  patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to   pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.   "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.   "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.  "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a   humble spinster nun."   "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Johnson . Nuns are not spinsters -   they are married to God." "Wonderful," said Mr.  Johnson . "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law." .................................................................................................                      This ones from Hans Long ago, there lived a brave seafarer named Captain Bravo. He was a  courageous man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt."  The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and, after donning   the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.  Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The  captain  again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.  That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's  triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: "Sir, why did you call for your  red shirt before each battle?" The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the  attack, my crew won't notice my bleeding and will continue to fight,  unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of  their captain.  As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted >not one, not two, but TEN  pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and  waited for his usual request. Captain Bravo calmly shouted:                                           "Bring me my brown pants!"

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